“540p never looked so good.” – You, probably

by Joe

What’s good nerds, It’s your boy. Joe. Back from every gamer’s worst nightmare: Marriage. I don’t have a segue from that to the Nintendo Switch so just listen. We were all there. We all saw that commercial drop in 2016. We laughed. We cried. We saw Karen bring her underpowered tablet to yet another rooftop party, ruining it and getting ostracized by her friends.

We watched that 38-year-old man playing Zelda: Breath of the Wild at 2:00 a.m. at a low volume so that he wouldn’t wake his wife and kids. And we watched Nintendo act like it cares about video game tournaments by putting on a fake Splatoon 2 competition complete with a bigger crowd than Creed on their 2024 comeback tour. We saw the console blossom like a flower into one of the most successful gaming consoles of all time, appealing to everybody and their grandma (literally, your grandma).

And just like Grandma, they get old and tell the same story over and over again. But just like good old Bilbo and the troll story from The Hobbit, that doesn’t stop us from coming back for more. Supper in hand. What am I talking about? I’m talking about the bread and butter of the Nintendo Switch’s finest comebacks — the Creme de la creme of their library.

Not their new titles, but their oldies turned goldies: The ports, the remasters, and the remakes. Here at Retro Handhelds, we sure love our oldies. Even in times when we kind of hate the company for hating us, we can at least appreciate the effort developers went through to bring back some of our old favorites on an underpowered Android tablet. Here are some of OUR picks for the best of them:

JaLaminal – Dragon Quest XI S

Gang’s all here

Starting off with an “Mmmm not quite oldie”, let’s hear what JaLaminal has to say about the Nintendo NX’s first third-party confirmed title:

“One of my favorite RPGs from my favorite series. It’s such a big game and looks great on the Switch. My wife hates the repetitive battle music, so this one was nice to play on mute in handheld mode.”

Nick – Metroid Prime Remastered

Glory to the King

Nick, take it away:

“20 years after renting the game at Hollywood Video, getting lost, and saying “I should really go back to that one someday”, we’re finally here. Metroid Prime Remastered takes what was already an incredible foundation and cranked the play feel and presentation up to 11. Everything in this version of the game feels polished to pristine levels, and nothing about the gameplay experience feels like something as dated as it actually is. If you’re looking to recapture the magic, or finally give it a go like me, it’s a must-have in the Switch library.”

Andy Peters (Guest, Facebook Mod) – Mushihimesama!

“Do you like blowing up spaceships? Oh hell…That was rhetorical. Of course you do. And you do it hard. Like most I like blowing up a good spaceship. The Switch is actually home to quite a number of fantastic courts of blowing up things in this manner. For instance, here we have one of the classics from the company known only as CAVE…Truly, the unmitigated hero of the genre of SHMUPS…called Mushihimesama! (For the unwashed masses like myself, that means ‘Shoot ’em UPS’) Mushihimesama is a fun and colorful place to start your journey through the realm of the genre.

 

Instead of hard nosed spaceships you’ll be blowing up mostly bugs and butterflies and other flying creepies who somehow look prettier the more they blow up. Memorization of patterns means nothing when you’re too busy smiling from ear to ear from the sheer madness on display at any one time. They don’t call it bullet hell for nothing, and soon you’ll be in a place more like heaven. And for the fomo out there…this beauty has been discontinued on the eShop. Recently, even. Horrifying. Still can be found within the ether and of course with physical copies from limited run or PlayAsia and the like.”

Joe (J-Dubya) – Xenoblade Chronicles: Definitive Edition

As a man of almost 30, I feel the full 10 years between the release of the original JRPG masterpiece and this remake and consider it old enough to be a bone-e-fide “oldie”. In its heyday, the original Xenoblade Chronicles was already a title that had no business being as broad in scope with a near-perfect soundtrack, engaging and original plot, very attentive combat, and a world that rewards exploration with multiple secrets and unique items. While 2020 was…uneventful, we saw the release of a new and squeaky clean, classic Nintendo “remake/remaster” job known simply as the “Definitive Edition”.

Amongst a complete rework of the art-syle, ridding the game of the melted and miserable, FFXII style, facial design and giving it a more…Xenobladey” one. Other welcome changes include new armor, new difficulty modes, easier quest tracking, a mostly re-recorded soundtrack, a 1:1 reworking of the game world into XC2‘s engine, an improved affinity tracking system, and an entire 10-hour-long epilogue featuring a completely new area. If it wasn’t for the generally poor resolution, it would be a 10/10 remake for me. But this is a title I’d otherwise recommend to just about anyone.

Joe (J-Dubya, again) – Links Awakening

The 1990s never looked so good. Nintendo pulled a double whammy by not only resurrecting a phenomenal Gameboy title but also reigniting the spirit of Zelda handheld titles. The plasticy, diorama-esque art style is complimented perfectly by the smoother presentation. Framerates? Mostly 60, but stuttery as hell in transition zones. It’s whatever. Resolution? Pretty good actually, even without anti-aliasing. Is it worth $60? Eh. No. But it’s definitely worth at least 2 replays with the new Hero mode!

(Your boy. Joe) – Paper Mario and the Thousand-Year Door

30fps. Okay, can we move on here? Great. This remake consumed 45 hours of my adult life and it’s literally just the game…but again. Graphically? beautiful. Remade soundtrack? Glorious. Is art style shifting from a generic and flat “GameCube” style to a completely paper craft one? Chefs kiss. For a game of its time in 2004, the jokes and gameplay have aged very well and even the story has its fair share of compelling, dark, and bleak moments. One way or another, this 10/10 title is worth playing at least once and is a very welcome addition to the portable scene.

What did you think of this article? Do you have any personal favorites that aren’t listed here? Let us know in the comments below, and chat with us in our Discord!

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