by joe

Salutations fellow New Nintendo 3DS XL Majora’s Mask Limited Edition Console enjoyers! Thank you to the 1 person who asked for part 2 of this… Thing, for without it Stubbs wouldn’t have thrown me another 100mbs of internet. Instead of using it to ask for help, or to contact my family, I am back again to cover Nintendo’s most hinged series of consoles and what they’d be if they were Subway sandwiches based on parameters that I make up on the fly. It’ll be fun I think.

The Nintendo DUAL SCREEN

Your Grandmother called it a GameBoy, it’s got a hinge, you can draw animated GIFs of Goku x Vegeta Yaoi on it, and at launch, it looked like a PDA from 2004. This is 2004’s Nintendo DS (or Dual Screen). What became known as Nintendo’s more batshit, ‘why not?’ era, I refuse to believe this console being the highest-selling handheld of all time wasn’t an accident. Everybody and their mother seemed to own one of these do-dads and seemed to play…something on it. Pokémon? I wouldn’t know because I never owned one. I asked every year but Santa wouldn’t budge, so I spiked his milk with arsenic.

Tasteful use of Rose Gold

Anyway, we got 3 revisions: the DS Lite which made the console LOOK like a console and not a homunculus, the DSI, which took out GBA compatibility but added…. Internet? And the DSI XL…. it’s big. I’ve never owned one of these delights so I left it up to the community to pick the sandwich choice. No one could agree so we’re going with the tortilla wrap with veggies and vegan mayo because that was by far the most specific of the ones submitted and I can’t challenge that confidence…. Next.

The Nintendo Dual Screen Triple (3DS)

What would become the last line of Nintendo’s handhelds with the most redundant and incremental upgrades by far would be the 2011 3DS line. Reggie is smiling at me from whatever tropical island He’s roasting his buns on while 9,000 hours into Animal Crossing New Leaf. Despite having a bloated feature set so large it would give the average American diabetes. Seriously though, on top of the DS’s microphone and touch screen, They added an AR camera, gyroscope, and an entirely engineered stereoscopic 3D with a slider. This thing wasn’t nasty And is the cause of most heart attack-related deaths in the 2010s in the US. It also came with some of the most prolific games of just about every major Nintendo franchise except Pikmin. Screw that game.

Hack this.

This was Nintendo’s first handheld console that hosted straight-up console-quality titles at about 2/3 the price double the screens, and one additional dimension. Oh yeah, I forgot about explaining the 3D part. Utilizing technology Nintendo’s coked-out R&D have been working on since the ’90s, They shot their shot with a glasses-free 3D screen on the top with a fun slider to adjust it. Mind you, This is an all-out console effectively streaming three images at once to your eyeballs. It was so intense that you got blasted with a warning every time he booted a game up. Nintendo had no mercy. Battery life sucked but they fixed it by making the console bigger with the XL model And then provided a cheaper option that looks more like a doorstop than it does a console with a 2DS, which is designed so strangely that I think it was engineered by Powkiddy. I’m capping it off here because I said so. The 3DS is a classic but packed with so much crap it’s an everyman’s sandwich with unlimited potential. For that, the regular 3DS line is the Veggie Delight.

Oh Come on it’s literally just a *New* 3DS -_-

I have so much to say about this console, the previous paragraph and my most recent article don’t do it justice. The New 3DS was a continuation of the mid-Gen refresh phase of the console’s life and I gotta tell ya, Nintendo lit up a second book when designing this puppy. 2015’s New 3DS was sexy. It reintroduced our favorite colored ABXY scheme from the Super Nintendo, added a face tracking camera so that your 3D followed your… face, a nipple that makes the console UwU when touched, better more tasty IPS screens (don’t get me started I swear to-) oh and an overclocked processor and more RAM. In the wake of the Vita’s assassination, we got a Nintendo handheld that can run Wii games! Well… Wii game. Yet another series saved by Super Smash Bros: Xenoblade Chronicles. It looked like shit. I played it for 90 hours. There’s Dunban over there.

It has a nipple, therefore it’s a new console.

It also came with some crack-smoking engineering designed by Satan with having SD card access under a screw-able backplate, smudgy surfaces, the nipple’s existence, and the stylus placement. Yikes. I have more to say about this device that I’ll save for later, like a footling cut in half. I love this console so much but I’m giving this guy the Veggie Delight But with extra mayo.

Re-Using Images Are For Chumps

Why Choose Top or Bottom When You Can Be a SWITCH?

You know it You love it, 2017 meant both the death of Nintendo’s dedicated handheld line and the Wii U, but the birth of a global phenomenon that outsold any of their previous anything (hardware and sales). What is literally just a tablet and satisfying, click-on controllers that can dock to a TV was a concept that was very risky, yet rewarding and fresh outing for our boys in red. It signified a change in not only what it means to own a Nintendo console, but a change in the market at large. In part, we owe this group’s existence to the feature set popularized by the Switch, like docking to a TV and its infamously overused analog sticks.

Behold, My Family and Friends.

Everything, for better or worse was ported to the damned thing, yielding its biggest flaw. Some ports were great, like Breath of the Wild, Skyrim, Dragon Quest 11, or ARK. But most others, especially later on were downright offensive like Saints Row 3, Alan Wake, or ARK. Even Hogwarts Legacy’s port just made me sad and it smells like mold and JK Rowling’s hubris. What has become the Switch family of systems Saw three variations: The all-portable Switch lite, an updated version of the original console with better battery life, And of course the SWOLED (Switch OLED). Like an overused dishrag, this guy was an old faithful when it first came out and saved the day, however, over time it grew stale, damp, kind off moldy with traces of E. coli. 

And what was first accredited to the Switch’s success is now the reason for its obsolete…ness. That being the accessible and reasonably affordable PC handheld market, like the Steam Deck, the Steam Deck OLED, or the Steam Deck you bought from a marketplace that turned out to be a scam because you didn’t reverse image search the photos. Idk. I’m just ready to move on. For that, I’m giving the Nintendo Switch half of a Chicken Fajita sub that was stewing in my fridge for a week.

“God is Dead and we have Killed him” – Nietzsche (https://www.flickr.com/photos/like_the_grand_canyon/2787652362)

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